Canndeee!

I know there are people out there heralding the arrival of Spring and Jesus rising from the dead. I’m happy they have a reason to celebrate. Here in St. Paul we awoke to the dreaded “First Day of Spring Winter Storm Warning”. Sensible people dread it. Not me. I kinda like winter. The light is dimmer, and I look better in dim light. So my celebration of Easter is more about (3 guesses) food.

Easter gives us a chance to try new candy. And trying new candy gives me a reason to share my thoughts with you, even if it’s a little late to help you with this year’s selections. Here is my quick and dirty guide to Easter Candy.

Malted Milk Ball Eggs: A staple of the season here at the Morgans’. Andy had a candy headache by 10am and I’m willing to bet it was mostly a malted milk-ball hangover. I think the candy coating detracts from the ideal malty chocolate experience, but no one here is complaining.

Starburst Jelly Beans: For-freaking-get it. When I first saw these, I was really excited. Because what could be better than Starbursts that don’t stick to your teeth and cause daggers of pain to shoot through them, like the real ones do. Starbursts are one of the candy world’s finest accomplishments. Mouth-watering sour-sweetness that stretches out enough to cover your entire tongue.

Jelly beans flavored like Starbursts offered a juicy, chewy promise of satisfaction without the painful form fitting stickiness. Don’t get your hopes up. They are just regular old sweet jelly beans in a seductive yellow bag with the familiar red lettering. Very disappointing.

Nerds Jelly Beans: These are good. Try them. They might be better than regular nerds, which I love, but only as long as I can ignore the fact that I am biting down on hard sugar chunks. Once I think about the possibility that I might be actually breaking off my own teeth and chewing them, I have to stop the Nerds or just suck on them (which most nerds love, by the way). The jelly bean Nerds have just a crunchy nerd coating and a good chewy middle. They are tart-sweet and appropriately fake fruity. A promise kept. Mmmmm

SweeTart JellyBeans: These were pretty good. I love SweeTarts. Who doesn’t? But the powdery sugary feeling (unlike the crunchy sugary feeling) of the candies gives me a little of the heebie-jeebies. So when an option of Sweet Tart flavor and Jelly Bean texture came along, I was really looking forward to it. I wasn’t disappointed. Except perhaps by the yellow ones. Purple was grape, good and fakey, like grape Crush. Red was some sort of berryish thing. Blue was blue freezie flavor, sometimes called razzberry. Green seemed to be striving for lime. But whose idea was it to make the yellow ones flavored like Urinal Cake? Very bad. Universally disliked here on Holly Avenue. Pick them out, save them for kids without costumes in October.

Peeps: A classic, bland, sugary, marshmallowy, word-muffling mouthful of Easter. As I recall, my mom loved them best stale. Personally, I like them best when someone else eats them. I was pleasantly surprised about the new Peeps Valentine’s hearts which are Red flavored. They were so wrong they were right. Try them and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Necco Eggs: Linda, I’m sorry. Zach I’m sorry. Neccos were bad enough when they were round. Please explain to me what is good about the chalky, almost candy-flavored wafers you love so much.

Bunnies: Don’t bother with the hollow ones. Skip any with giant ears, unless they’re for the little kids. Go straight for either the Dove Dark Bunny or the Nestle’s Crunch Bunny. You won’t be disappointed.

Peanut m&m eggs: These are another classic. I find the pastel colors a little icky, I can’t say why. But the chocolate-peanut combo is dangerously good for snacking.

I’m sure there are more sophisticated candies out there, but this was our supply list. I swear, for years I augmented the Easter candy hunt with yogurt covered pretzels and chocolate covered raisins (From the Easter Bunny’s incontinent assistant). This year it was all candy. No one complained.

Anyone find any wonderful Easter candies I should be watching for on the half priced rack?